Every December 24, we all make that breathless dash to the petrol station to do our last-minute Christmas shopping.
Every year, we discover that they don’t stock any gold, frankincense or myrrh – or anything resembling a thoughtful present.
So this year, why not save yourself all the hassle and buy them something a little cooler than a car air freshener or a big bag of crisps? But with a week to go, you might have to select the helicopter option at the checkout. Better still – get next year’s gifts 12 months early and stop sprinting to the petrol station. It causes alarm.
THE OFFICIAL TENACIOUS D ‘CUMRAG’
Trust Tenacious D to come up with (ahem) the most ridiculous article of band merchandise of all time – a cute little towel, with a rainbow and unicorn motif, designed for purely mopping up spunk. Just the job for the Jack Black fanatic masturbator in your life. “Everything else is just a cum rag,” it says, with delightful audacity. Can be described as a hand towel in moments of family awkwardness.
There are plenty of band-branded beers, wines and spirits these days, but post-hardcore legends Refused have usefully lent their name to something that might help with the post-Yuletide hangover. It comes with a free cassette and boasts “dark chocolate, cranberry and tangerine notes,” but wait, come back: all the band’s proceeds from the sale of this 366 Blend coffee go to the Migrant Offshore Aid Station. It’s a charity dedicated to preventing migrant deaths at sea, so, worth all of your money.
“I just woke up one morning and thought of the word ‘metal’ and I thought ‘metal for men’ and I thought, straight away, ‘What could that relate to?’” That was former Judas Priest guitarist KK Downing’s hilariously simple explanation for his new brand of flowery ‘eau de toilettes’ for men and women. The perfect gift for anyone who wants to smell like KK Downing. Or metal.
Socks are the classic Xmas gift idea for a man, and this is some fetching ‘sports casual’ wear here from Josh Homme’s crew, in cool baby blue and white stripes. They’re branded as ‘Clockwork Socks’, but that’s just because they’re a promotional item for the …Like Clockwork album, they’re not, alas, literally clockwork socks. Both socks are labelled ‘Left Foot’ because, as the Rockabilia website helpfully explains, “this band has a sense of humour”.
We imagine all fans of the Byron Bay metalcore mob will want to impress all everyone on the beach this Christmas with some swanky Parkway Drive footwear. These flip-flops – confusingly called ‘thongs’ in Australia – are emblazoned with the swirly italics of the band’s logo; unfortunately, as soon as you put them on you’ve covered it up. Never mind, when you tread in some wet sand you’ll leave an impression of the Epitaph logo, die-cut into the sole.
AN IRON MAIDEN ‘POWERSLAVE’ BUST
This ‘life-size’ 20-inch resin bust of the Egyptian pharaoh Eddie from the Powerslave sleeve is surely one of the two coolest items of heavy metal merchandise ever – and it’s less expensive than that Slayer car. It’s hoped that a thousand years after the nuclear holocaust, when they rebuild the British Museum, this will take pride of place as an enigmatic relic of Earth’s distant history. At least in our minds, anyway.
Even Norman Bates would think twice about slicing through this fabulously stylish goth-punk bathroom accessory, although whoever gets into the shower behind the legend Die Die My Darling is clearly taking their life in their hands. Evidently it might prove too big for the average British shower rail, but with its interesting and classy comic-book artwork and spooky purple trim it works just as well as a Halloween party wall hanging or ready-made backdrop for a tribute band. Or a cape! There’s that, too.
This is the perfect gift idea for any cold Mods you might know, or just for anyone who wants the most maximum R&B thermo-bonded hollow fibre in next year’s festival tent. There’s one very happy camper on Amazon whose review of The Who Sleeping Bag includes the brilliant recommendation “It comes in really handy cus the bed at my place is disgusting”. ‘Orrible.
As you’d expect, there are rock ‘n’ roll lunch boxes available from the usual suspects of intensive branding like Kiss, AC/DC, Elvis and The Stones. But imagine the astonished, confused faces of your loved ones as they unwrap a children’s snack tin embossed with cartoon likenesses of their favourite Christian nu metal band. What better way to ponder the true meaning of Christmas than eating your dry turkey sandwiches out of a box labelled ‘Payable On Death’? Exactly. Happy Christmas.
There is a worryingly large range of officially branded Lynyrd Skynyrd Folding Knives out there, each boasting the Southern rock legends’ logo and eagle motif etched onto the blade. The first one was such a hit they followed it up with this ‘Sexy Lady’ Folding Knife, so-named after the ‘rebel bikini girl’ screen-printed onto the handle. Presumably so you can experience mild arousal while chopping, which can’t be in anyone’s best interest. This gift should only be used for whittlin’ on a porch or cutting shoes in half, like in those late-night telly adverts.
Cultivate a phlegmy, chest-rattling cough in fine occult style with this awesome Show No Mercy fag receptacle. It doubles as an incense burner, apparently, even though as Eric Cartman will tell you, Slayer kills hippies. There are other Slayer ashtray designs available, but the badly-drawn Baphomet will surely inspire you to empty it out more often.
