For the past 24 hours-or-so, the internet has been ablaze with talk of big dick energy. From the Guardian to the BBC to Twitter, discussions over BDE have commandeered headlines and column inches, and subsequently become the topic of furiously-battled office debates.
But what, exactly, is big dick Energy? Well, its difficulty to pinpoint has become one of its fundamental characteristics, but essentially, it's the kind of quiet self-assurance – charisma, swagger, whatever you want to call it – that one might enjoy should one be able to rest easy in the knowledge that they're generously endowed. Once you have this framework in place, it becomes relatively easy to work out who does and doesn't possess BDE. You might not be able to explain it, but you'll know it when you see it.
So, who has BDE? Well, the first rule of big dick energy is that it has nothing to do with if you actually have a big dick or not. In fact, whether you even have a dick is irrelevant – Rhianna, for example, is pretty much agreed across the board to have the biggest dick energy of them all. Cardi B? Big dick energy. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? Yeah, you got yourself some BDE, baby. BDE is about your energy, man, your aura – not your anatomy.
But there's an important question about BDE which has as yet remained unanswered: which figureheads of the rock and metal worlds have been blessed with its powers? We go on an investigative deep dive to find out.
Mike Patton
Mike Patton has strong big dick energy flowing through his veins. His musical output is a good place to start if you're looking for an indicator as to why: it drips with the casual ease of not giving a fuck, while his stage persona is wall-to-wall charisma. Let's face it, you're going to have a good time with this guy. And that cover of Easy? That's basically BDE in musical form.
Donita Sparks
Anyone who includes the line 'got so much clit she don't need no balls' in a song about dangerously cool women has BDE in every way imaginable. Add in the fact she's a total badass and there can be no argument here. Next!
Ice-T
That a man known to his mother as Tracey Lauren Marrow can forge a career as one of America's most-lauded rappers-cum-heavy metal musicians affirms that the BDE is strong with this one. His ability to say what needs to be said while remaining eternally chill is extra proof. BDE abounds.
Brody Dalle
Brody Dalle puts the BD into BDE. She looks how she wants, says what she wants, and literally couldn't give a fuck what any you think about it. She also inspired a generation of young women who had been told by mainstream media that rock music wasn't for them when she became the first solo woman to grace the cover of Total Guitar Magazine. Long live the queen.
Slash
The constant bastion of cool set among a group of humans who have oft been painted as anything but, Slash is like the antithesis of Axl Rose's hot-headed griping. He doesn't get into fights, he doesn't make enemies, he's totally comfortable in his own skin and just wants to play his guitar and have a smoke. That's why his hair's so big – it's full of BDE.
Lzzy Hale
Lzzy Hale is cool as fuck, plays killer guitar and has absolutely no time for your shit, plus with her #AskLzzyAnything hashtag efforts she's made considerable strides in opening up frank conversations about sex, love, life – you name it. She doesn't shy away from an awkward conversation or a gnarly riff and this is why her big dick energy is so considerably massive.
Trent Reznor
Sometimes, someone just exhibits the essence of BDE, and that is the case with Trent Reznor. Never flustered, always considered, and still enigmatic enough to seem mysteriously alluring, despite decades in the press. Plus he's actually good at everything he tries, which gives him extra points. Side note: Reznor is the only candidate on this list that the Louder office agreed on unanimously. Congratulations, Trent, you are the BDE king.
Larissa Stupar
In a metal scene predominantly populated by blokey men, Larissa Stupar sings about 'perpetrator emasculation' and put an image of a rapist being force-fed their own genitals on the cover of her album. You want big balls? She's got 'em.
Rob Trujillo
If you were wondering, the full BDE ranking of Metallica members goes as thus: Rob, James, Kirk, Lars. Remember in Some Kind Of Monster, when they auditioned all the bassists, and Rob was like, "Yeah fuck it, give me a five string, nah mate I don't need a pick, you're all good, I'm just gonna do this shit with my hands" – big dick energy. A little known fact is that the members of Metallica could tell Rob had the biggest dick energy of all the bassists in the room, and that's why he got the job. You're welcome.
Floor Jansen
Floor Jansen is the walking embodiment of BDE. She stands tall – literally and figuratively – and laughs at any and all notions of what people might expect from her as a woman in the metal industry. Plus, she went on record saying she thought Slayer were shite – you don't get much more ballsy than that.
Rob Halford
An important part of BDE lies in being comfortable in your own skin, knowing exactly who you are and loving every part of it. Rob Halford is a beautiful embodiment of this ethos. Leather? Fuck yeah. Motorbikes? You bet. Being a metal god who posts freely on Instagram about how much you love cute fluffy cats? That, friends, gets you the biggest dick energy in metal.
Joan Jett
Joan Jett took the idea of rock'n'roll, chewed it up and spat out her very own version with absolutely no regard for what other people made of it along the way. Cut to 2018 and she still ain't finished. That she empowered a ton of other women to follow suit in her wake just adds to the BDE glory.
Dave Grohl
You know how BDE doesn't necessarily have to have any physical, tangible elements – it's just an essence you feel just is? That's what we have here with Dave Grohl. There's just something about him – yeah, he's probably a nice guy, but there's also an edge. Something going on under the surface. The energy of a big dick, that's what.
Courtney Love
Show us a woman who gives less of a fuck about what the media – or anyone, for that matter – thinks of her, and we will show you probably another very impressive woman. Having made a sport of courting controversy since the 90s, she's flown in the face of detractors with unbridled glee. Love her or hate her, there's no denying that Courtney enjoys an extreme case of BDE.
Iggy Pop
Iggy Pop basically sums up what it means to embody the energy of big dick. His musical persona – all writhing limbs and swinging hips – is fearless, he's never shied from experimentation, he's extremely talented but he's also humble, discovers and encourages unknown/upcoming musicians (he's not threatened by talent in other people, an essential BDE quality right there) and offers warmth and good-will to the people around him. He oozes charisma and self-assurance. Big dick energy in its purest form.
