WRATHCHILD (Lzzy Hale, Halestorm)
“I would be Wrathchild, taken from the Iron Maiden song, naturally. Keeping up the theme, my nemesis would be Eddie – the ultimate superhero. My evil power would be the ability to turn people to stone by dancing in front of them. I’m such a terrible dancer, that’s bound to have an effect on anyone! As a sidekick, I would go for The Trooper. He would be mute, though, and carrying a sword, always ready for action. My weakness would be a fear of the dark, because if nobody could see me dance, how could I turn them to stone? As a costume, I would wear what I’d call The Chains Of Misery – an entire outfit would be made from very heavy chains. That might sound impractical, but it would look so cool. Of course, I would also have a cape, and a mask to hide my identity. My lair would the Sea Of Madness, deep underwater, and my heavy costume would allow me to sink down to it.”
DOOMSAYER (Jamey Jasta, Hatebreed)
“Along the lines of [villainous monster] Doomsday from the film Batman V Superman, my supervillain name would be Doomsayer, after the Hatebreed song, and my big one-liner would be, ‘Your doom awaits you’ like the lyrics from the song. Every superhero is flawed, so I’d have a backstory where I’m a conscientious supervillain and take down anybody that hurts animals. My evil lair would be in the jungle, like King Louie’s ruins from The Jungle Book, and my sidekick would be a futuristic badass hyena dog ripped straight out of the third Riddick movie. It’s a wild animal, but I’ve managed to tame him. I like the new Batman costume, so I would wear something like that – I’d have badass armour, for sure. My evil power is the ability to brainwash people and control their thoughts through telepathy, but my one weakness would be pizza.”
BEERO THE PISSBEAST (Adam D, Killswitch Engage)
“Well obviously I’d be superhumanly intoxicated, but have superhuman strength – or at least, I’d think I had superhuman strength. Everybody thinks they have superhuman strength when they’re drunk. And I would also be extremely slippery and greasy, piss all over innocent people, and leave diarrhoea bombs all over fine rugs and upholstery. I guess that’s the real reason I’m a villain. I’d just wear a diaper, and live in the closest available dumpster. My nemesis would be DUI checkpoints, or anyone trying to cut down on drink driving – they’re such pests! I’d have a Kryptonite-style reaction to empty beer cans, and my sidekick would be my trusty 12-pack, which is where it gets weird because my best friend would become my mortal enemy. The thing that helps me get my powers then becomes the thing that I most fear – it’s almost Shakespearean in its tragedy.”
DR MORNING BREATH (Chad Nicefield, Wilson)
“My evil power would be ‘close talking’ – I would turn every conversation into an uncomfortable, vile-smelling moment where I’d invade your personal space and leave you wishing you’d never asked me a simple question like, ‘How’s your day going?’ I’d wear a burlap sack that was big enough to enclose another human being, because there aren’t many pores in a burlap sack, and therefore not a lot of ventilation! My sidekick would be Dirty Diaper Boy, a guy wearing a constantly soiled adult diaper that would smell almost as bad as my breath. We’d live together in a dark, wet dungeon lair full of empty beef jerky bags, bottles of garlic sauce and dead rats. My nemesis would be Crest Girl, who would come and squirt me in the face with fresh mint toothpaste that would take away my wicked abilities.”
SUPER CUNT (Ben Bruce, Asking Alexandria)
“This is a reality – I am Super Cunt. My power is being able to make anybody feel really, really awkward, and make the room feel horrible for everybody involved. I’d definitely be cunty to Donald Trump – fucking idiot. I’d make general remarks about his wig, really. Nothing to do with politics, because I don’t know much about it. I’d wear a pair of purple and gold spandex pants, and have a big, purple Rampant Rabbit taped to my forehead. Nothing would stop me from being a cunt, apart from a lack of whisky, maybe. My sidekick would be [Asking Alexandria drummer] James Cassells, and he would just be Regular Cunt. He’s not as good, but he’s still there, giving it his best. I don’t think we’d make a good living being cunty. I think we’d probably just meet up outside a dumpster round the back of a bar or something and change in the alleyway.”
THAT’S SHOCKING (Ben Winter-Bates, Bury Tomorrow)
“I really like electricity. I’m quite a Marvel fan, and I really like things like Shocker, so I’d probably be some insanely gnarly shocker character. I would probably use my powers to shock the entire Conservative party, and Nigel Farage would probably get burnt alive as well. They’re just horrific. I’d shock a lot of the world leaders anyway, because I think we need to reset and restart and try and do a world community. But that’s not a villain, that’s a hero… so maybe I’d just kill everyone. That’s pretty metal. Imagine the worst bits of Green Mile – that’s what I’d be. I’d just be a lightbulb – the most feared lightbulb in the world. My sidekick would be Generator Man, so if I lost power, he would kick in and help me. My lair would be nice and dark, and it would obviously have some conductors. Maybe I’d just live
in Times Square, and then put a roof on it and have it for myself!”
OM THE OMNIPOTENT (Will Gardner, Black Peaks)
“This sounds really weird, but when I was a kid, I liked magic quite a lot, so I would probably be some kind of evil magician that can fucking make people disappear. I’m not talking a Harry Potter magician, either. I mean like a fucking wizard. Magicians are lame. I’d be the fucking Evil Eye, but more badass, because you wouldn’t even see me – I would be invisible most of the time, watching shit and definitely flying, so I wouldn’t need a costume. I’d have the ability to control planets and solar systems, but as a wizard, not as a god – maybe that’s going too far. There would be some really clever physics. My sidekick would be Ziltoid The Omniscient, from the Devin Townsend album. He’d be omniscient, and I’d be omnipotent! So our nemesis would be Captain Fantastic. Shit. That album is amazing!”
THE DIABOLICAL DIABETIC (Jason Aalon Butler, Letlive)
“I’d cause mayhem by giving people this really fucked-up type of diabetes where they need to run everywhere, and if they don’t keep running then their feet turn into cupcakes, and then their hands turn into waffles, and then their head turns into a big-ass seven-layer cake, for which there is no antidote. I wouldn’t wear a costume; I’d be butt-naked but covered in frosting so you couldn’t see anything. I’d have different designs, but my dick would be out. Louie, my German Shepherd, would be my sidekick, but his head would be a slice of my favourite cake – yellow cake with chocolate icing on it. He’d have strong-ass forks for arms and a birthday candle for a tail, so he could burn motherfuckers. We’d live in his dog house, which would actually be a clay oven that always smells like cupcakes, and would contain different frostings for his cake head. My nemesis, Dr Occoli, knows my only weakness, which is broccoli.”
KAISER VON CLAER (Johannes Eckerstrom, Avatar)
“I’m half German, so I’d be Kaiser Von Claer, with my talking raven sidekick, Fritz. From my castle in Bavaria, I’d tell my henchmen to steal nuclear weapons. I’d send a VHS tape to the UN, and threaten to bomb the shit out of the western hemisphere if they didn’t give me money. But it would just be a decoy for revenge, for what they did to my other raven, Frida. When I was younger, Child Protection Services came to my house and said, ‘This is no place for a child to live! Take him, and throw away the raven!’ Fritz is the grandchild of that raven, because she laid an egg and I kept it to nurture under the stairs where I was living with my foster parents. The whole money thing is to buy time, but I was gonna send off the nukes anyway. If I can’t have my raven, no one can have ravens!”
