Rammstein's maddest merch ranked in order of WTF!?!-ness

The band with the porn video, the Herzeleid hunks, Frau Schneider… and they chose this? One of the lyrics scrawled across the sheets, taken from Keine Lust, roughly translates as: “Unenthusiastic am I touching myself, and soon I notice that cold, I’m cold”. Yeah. Not for top shaggers, this.

Rammstein is a band of real characters: Till Lindemann, Flake, Richard Z. Kruspe, Paul Landers, Oliver Riedel and Christoph Schneider could not be replaced. None of them. They’re imposing - iconic. However, this dinky tealight holder does make them look very cute.

If you’ve ever finished a hard day’s work looking like Rammstein in the Sonne video, you’ll need a good scrub. Of course they’ve got their own soap, lovingly engraved with the legend ‘Bück Dich’, or ‘Bend Over’, from their bum-bruising anthem of the same name. They also sell one shaped like a knob, but it just doesn’t look very practical.

Rammstein finally solved the age-old question: ‘How do I make breakfast more metal?’. Well, you just burn their logo onto some bread, stick it in your mouth and shout “Mein Brot Brennt!’ without giving it a chance to cool down. The Teletubbies can go eat shit- this is the only toast you need.

Based on the famous flamethrower Till uses to cook Flake during Mein Teil’s live performance, this stainless steel blowtorch packs an adjustable turbo flame warming up to a cosy 1450°C for all your creme brulee-ing needs. The instructions only come in German, so don’t go crying if you get carried away caramelising and burn the house down.

Unless your mates are into Rammstein, this is useless. But if they are, it’ll be an absolute hoot: 400 questions about the band, in German and English, on a board lovingly crafted in the guise of their sigil. They missed a trick with the game pieces, though. Could have easily been more phallic.

No garden’s complete without a Rammstein fire basket, right underneath the hammock. Coming off more like a pigeon deterrent than an outside ornament, the Germans’ attempt at decor would probably get a drubbing on Four In A Bed - but what do they know, anyway?

If you ever wanted to own replicas of Rammstein's ghostly visages, encased in the same kind of optic glass that's used for precision contact lenses, then sure, they did that too. These were truly chilling, reimagined versions of the artwork adorning their Made In Germany greatest hits, so it's no surprise they're sold out. You know who you are, you fucking psychopaths.

Designed and built in cahoots with Berlin’s Schindelhauerbikes, this sleek black beast was quintessentially Rammstein, boasting a leather saddle and undoubtedly the most metal bicycle ad on earth. It seems cruel, then, that while 710 of every 1,000 Berliners own a bike and they've all heard Du Hast, just 100 of these were produced.

The extra-endowed edition of Rammstein’s sixth record, Liebe Ist Für Alle Da, was a real package. Much like the X-rated video for Pussy, which sparked heated debate regarding the authenticity of the band members’... members, this aluminium flight-case aroused doubt in the dildo department. Six sex toys, allegedly moulded around Rammstein’s own Würste, stood firm within the logo-embossed crate, replete with their own suction cups - what, you thought Till and co. were amateurs?

It also included the 2-disc CD edition, some lube and a pair of steel handcuffs, but it’s hard to concentrate on anything other than, well, the throbbing cocks. Band-themed dildos are a dime a bosom these days, and you can thank the LIFAD schlong box for that. Cheers, lads.