Maynard James Keenan’s CV is full of really weird shit. He once ran a produce market and and has proved to be a successful Arizona vintner with Merkin Vineyards, delightfully named after a toupee for your genitals.
He’s also notched up several acting roles over the years, most notably as Satan in the 2002 film Bikini Bandits and the lead singer of Titannica in Run Ronnie Run, starring David Cross and Bob Odenkirk. Oh, and he also has that whole Tool/A Perfect Circle/Puscifer thing going on.
So it really shouldn’t surprise you that Maynard was called upon to lend his talents to Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor’s 2009 movie Crank: High Voltage. He only gets the one scene, yet he has the unique pleasure of zapping the fuck out of Jason Statham, before his dog chomps on a copper’s bollocks. Perhaps a little backstory is required here.
In 2006, Statham starred in the batshit action schlockbuster Crank as Chev Chelios, the same character he always plays – a gruff, pissed-off Cockney hardman.
The premise was that Statham had been poisoned and would die if his adrenaline levels ever dropped below a certain level. A ridiculous plot line – yes, even for us metalheads – but at least it guaranteed continuous servings of fast-paced nonsense.
Crank did well enough to warrant a sequel in 2009. The adrenaline plot had been exhausted first time around, so Statham has now had his heart stolen in Crank 2 – not by a lover, but by gangsters – and has it replaced with a dodgy artificial ticker. To survive, he constantly needs electric shocks to stay alive; methods range from static caused by sex (go with it) to stealing batteries from ambulances.
The late Chester Bennington rocks up at one point – following up his cameo in the first Crank – and is spotted by Statham at a horse race. Desperate for a static top-up, Statham gives the Linkin Park vocalist an unwelcome rub of the arm then goes about his day. As we said, go with it.
But it’s Keenan’s appearance which steals the show here. During a police chase, Statham requires another burst of energy to keep his heart going; in a park, he notices the wigged Tool frontman torturing a pet dog with an electroshock collar. Statham rightfully berates Keenan – who’s accompanied in this scene by one-time Nine Inch Nails and A Perfect Circle member Danny Lohner – then steals the gadget for himself. With the pursuing officers in the distance, Stathan eggs the vocalist into giving him some juice. The scene ends with the pooch chewing on a police officer's genitals. Shakespearean stuff, we think you’ll agree.
Surprisingly Crank: High Voltage was never screened for critics ahead of its cinema release, although its incessant action silliness has helped it earn its own cult following over the last 13 years. Whispers of another instalment have persisted for years and, while there’s still no news of a third offering, at least we have this scene to keep us going.
Before you consider buying the movie based on this synopsis, watch the clip below:
