With the holiday season finally upon us and the same ten Christmas songs flooding radio stations on repeat (looking at you, Mariah Carey), it got us thinking...this time of year could really do with an extra helping of heavy metal. And while there have been some great metal Xmas songs over the years, like Rob Halford's Celestial album, most heavy bands tend to stay pretty clear of the festivities.
To find out how it would sound if our favourite metal bands wrote their own Christmas jingles, we asked AI technology (Jasper and ChatGPT) to rub its clever little digital hands together and come up with lyrics in the style of Slipknot, Iron Maiden, Evanescence, Rage Against The Machine and Cannibal Corpse, all inspired by the holiday season.
So, if you're tired of songs about snogging under the mistletoe and rushing home in time for the merciless mundanity of Christmas board games and bland turkey, then here's a selection of new ones about metal Santas with sacks full of Iron Maiden CD's, misery, and death and destruction.
Enjoy!
Just to clarify: these songs were NOT written by the bands themselves. Obviously.
Iron Maiden: Metal Santa, anyone?!
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there
The metalheads were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of Iron Maiden danced in their heads
And Eddie in his bandana, and Bruce in his boots
Had just settled down for a long winter's snooze
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight metal reindeer
With a little old driver, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be Iron Nick
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name
"Now, Ironhead! now, Headbanger! now, Heavy and Thrash!
On, Speed! on, Power! on, Doom and Stoner!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of metal, and Iron Nick too
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof
As I drew in my head, and was turning around
Down the chimney Iron Nick came with a bound
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot
A bundle of Iron Maiden CDs he had flung on his back
And he looked like a metalhead just opening his Christmas pack
The stump of a cigarette he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly
Slipknot: Christmas is a time for screaming into the night, yes
Oh Christmas time is dark and bleak,
With no one to hear me speak
My silence echoes through the night,
No joy this holiday in sight.
Come gather 'round, won't you hear my plea?
It's Christmas time, come join the misery.
We'll all wear masks and howl out loud,
'Til Santa finds his way in the crowd.
The snow just keeps on falling down,
My sadness without a sound.
I'm standing here with my broken heart,
In this festive season so cold and dark.
Forget the carols and jolly songs,
Leave the presents and tinsel gone.
This is a Christmas like no other,
Let's make a holiday of doom and horror.
So put on your masks and grab a scythe,
Let out a scream into the night!
Christmas time is here again,
A festive day of pain and sin!
Cannibal Corpse: unsurprisingly hideous
On this holiest of nights, I bring death and destruction
I won't make merry, only bring more destruction
The snow outside is red from my wrathful aggression
No hope for the Christmas season, no signs of repentance
My evil will be felt throughout the land
Come now you foolish mortals, it's time to take a stand
Your faith in Santa Claus can not save your life tonight
He couldn't even withstand me with one frosty bite.
So join me on this night of horror and despair
It's time to throw away all your holiday cheer.
No presents or stockings hung by the chimney side
Just evil deeds done just before midnight arrives.
Let's spread terror and terror on this holy night
Let's sow the seeds of fear and agony so bright
Gather 'round me as I bring forth destruc-tion
You'll never forget my Christmas of Cannibal Cor-pus-ion!
So cast aside your reindeer, forget Santa's sleigh
Instead it is I who will lead you astray
Away from joy and peace this festive season
And into the depths of darkness and no reason.
My servants will haunt the streets in search of souls to steal
Their screams will echo through the city like a chilly squeal.
Evanescence: gothic, miserable, exactly right
It's the darkest night of December, snow is on the ground
Angels in the sky are singing a silent sound
The heat of winter starts to freeze my bones and I'm tired of feeling so alone
This Christmas brings me pain that no one else can see
Santa won't bring me cheer, he just scowls when he sees me
The icy wind that blows away all my hope and dreams, it's hard to find relief from this grief it seems
No happy holidays for me, nothing but an empty night
I've been hoping for a miracle but none comes in sight
So I'll keep waiting here until morning light brings hope anew
Until then I will stay alive, singing my heavy metal blues.
All the presents and the lights don't make this season bright
My heart is filled with sadness under winter's midnight sky
Nothing in the world can help me make things right
I'm so alone, I just want to cry.
The cold chill of night pouring down like tears from up above
Depression grips me tightly as I try to find some love
Christmas isn't a happy time for me, it's nothing but despair and gloom
But I'll keep on fighting until that day I can be free from this heavy metal doom
Rage Against The Machine: telling no lies
It's that time of year again
The air is cold and the streets are glistenin'
Families gather 'round the tree
But for some, it's just another day of misery
Rage against the machine
Rage against the lies
Rage against the greed
That's suffocating our lives
Christmas time, a time for peace
But for the poor, it's just another day of war
The rich keep getting richer
While the poor can barely afford to eat
Rage against the machine
Rage against the lies
Rage against the greed
That's suffocating our lives
Let's break the chains of oppression
And rise up against the corruption
We'll fight for a better future
Where equality and justice reign supreme
