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The Cry: Dangerous Game

In which a bunch of underfed deviants from Portland, with skinny ties hanging loosely from their scrawny necks, and rat-hole apartments stuffed with old 70s power-pop singles and tattered Elvis posters, make a record and save rock’n’roll. I mean, that’s definitely the plan here. And I’m on board. Despite the tumbledown image and open affection for rubber-legged, safety-pin punk, Dangerous Game is actually a tight and extremely well-crafted album full of jukebox-worthy insta-hits. From the glam-slamming opener Discotheque to the hand-clapping teenage angst anthem Nowhere To Go, to the sugary-sweet power(pop) ballad Same Old Story, Dangerous Game is a non-stop joyride of everything you’ve ever loved about music. It’s got girls on roller skates, it’s got puking in alleys, it’s got ruffled shirts, Johnny Thunders, American cars, Creem magazine, cigarettes and T.Rex. It’s the best album Hanoi Rocks never made. Holy fuckin’ rock’n’roll. (⁹⁄₁₀)

Royal Dogs: On The Spree Of A Gang

Royal Dogs are an Italian hard rock band that sorta understands English, but not really. Which I love. I mean, On The Spree Of A Gang? That makes no sense in the best way. Royal Dogs obviously wanna sound like Guns N’ Roses, Mötley Crüe and Zodiac Mindwarp, and they very nearly nail it. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Bitch Queens: Kill Your Friends

Wow! This thing is an endless flurry of fists and kicks. It’s like the Bruce Lee of destructo-rock. It would be remiss of me not to mention that this headbangin’ debut from Swiss misters Bitch Queens sounds a lot like Turbonegro’s peerless Apocalypse Dudes record, but so what? That record is amazing, and so is this. Hi-test sleaze that scratches every itch. (⁸⁄₁₀)

Genital Hospital: Street Mummy

The funny thing is, even if they didn’t have hospital in their name, that’s what you’d think of when you hear this album. You remember that creepy old black-and-white video of The Cramps playing in a psych ward? That’s what Street Mummy is: mental patients with guitars and harmonicas beating in your skull with bedpans and punk rock. Righteous! (⁶⁄₁₀)

Sex Snobs: Ugly

Sex Snobs are pure menace, sleazy and evil but hilariously low-budget, like spree killers on bicycles or dollar-store shoplifters. It’s basement punk that’s all drunk and surly, throwing wild punches in a stupor and passing out in a puddle of its own blood. It’s on cassette. Because anything else would be ridiculous. From Oklahoma, which probably explains a lot. (⁷⁄₁₀)/o:p

Came from the sky like a 747. Classic Rock’s least-reputable byline-grabber since 2003. Several decades deep into the music industry. Got fired from an early incarnation of Anal C**t after one show. 30 years later, got fired from the New York Times after one week. Likes rock and hates everything else. Still believes in Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, against all better judgment.