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The Grannies: Ballsier

It’s not really all that important to know that The Grannies are a bunch of middle-aged punk rockers wearing thrift-store dresses, but it’s not like we can just avoid that fact completely. Under the frayed frocks, however, you’ll find a fully operational gang of fire-breathing rock savages, fuelled on the MC5, Dead Boys, the Ramones, Kiss, Mad magazine, bad stand-up comics and just a hint of encroaching Alzheimers.

Bangers like Hillbilly With Knife Skills and Glittershitter might read like novelty hits, but they sound like a stab in the eye with a pool cue at a biker bar. Along with the clutch of new hits you also get a couple of choice covers (Slaughter And The Dogs, Beastie Boys) and some pleasingly ridiculous dancefloor remixes. As the title clearly implies, Ballsier is the loudest, heaviest, most excessive Grannies record yet. Not bad for a bunch of dudes with osteoporosis. (⁷⁄₁₀)/o:p

Cruizzen: Free Ride

First of all, any band that spells ‘Cruising’ this badly is alright in my book. I would have liked an umlaut in there somewhere as well, but you can’t have everything. Anyway, Free Ride is a record full of blistering arena metal, like Bon Scott singing for Guns before all their squabbling ruined everything. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Dirty Fingers: 250 Dollars

Punchy, punky, southern-fried sleaze metal from Italy. What I like about these Dirty Fingers dudes is that they sound venomous; like they eat their spaghetti with snake blood instead of tomato sauce, like their live shows are just fights and cops dragging people away. You know, rock’n’roll. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Ironhead: 1000 Nights

1000 Nights is furious belt-buckle rock from North Carolina, a non-stop assault of pure groin thunder. The band sound like they’ve probably sold pints of their blood to buy new guitars. Ace Frehley has to be at least one of their dads. You get the idea. Play this with the volume on 10 and there’s a good chance your roof will cave in. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Blindside Thunder: 100 Proof

This might be the most American record since The Star Spangled Banner. Blindside are a bunch of brawny, bar-brawling ex-soldiers-turned-guitar-slingers who play high-octane sleaze metal in the Guns/Skids vein and sing about booze and strippers. Righteous. This record should come with firecrackers and a pack of hot dogs. (⁷⁄₁₀)/o:p

Came from the sky like a 747. Classic Rock’s least-reputable byline-grabber since 2003. Several decades deep into the music industry. Got fired from an early incarnation of Anal C**t after one show. 30 years later, got fired from the New York Times after one week. Likes rock and hates everything else. Still believes in Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, against all better judgment.