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The Meatmen: Savage Sagas

It’s been 19 long and miserable years since Detroit hardcore shocktroopers The Meatmen released their last record, and I mean, just look at what happened: the whole goddamn record industry collapsed. That can’t be a coincidence. Thankfully, Meat Brother Number One Tesco ‘Dutch Hercules’ Vee saw fit to scrape the blood off his Roman gladiator sandals and show the kids how it’s done. As you might expect, given this band’s illustrious past, half the songs on Savage Sagas are autobiographical chest thumpers (‘With this hot new platter on your ol Victrola/Meaty blasts of bravado gonna bowl you ova’), while the rest are just disgusting (Big Bloody Booger On The Bathroom Wall, Rock n’ Roll Enema). All of them, however, are built from the same basic blueprint The Meatman have always used: two chords, high speed, shoot the hostages, burn the studio down. Funny, stupid, obnoxious and thoroughly uncompromising, The Meatmen are the MC5 of underachieving juvenile delinquents. Long live the louts. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Satan’s Satyrs: Die Screaming

Virginia biker-sleaze maniacs Satan’s Satyrs have tempered their insane fuzz fury since their aptly titled Wild Beyond Belief debut, but they’re still as over-the-top as ever. Spectacularly whiny nails-on-chalkboard vocals billow and bellow over a static-sputtering throb of spooky sub-NWOBHM garage rock. It’s like the soundtrack of an early 70s Hammer movie made by the devil on a lost weekend. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Cool Mutants: Buzzhog

Midwestern dead-enders raised on The Misfits, Black Sabbath, Love It To Death and whatever prescription medication they can find in their parents’ medicine cabinet. Squalls of feedback smash headlong into menacing ghoul-rock and splinter into woozy Johnny Thunders solos. This is party music for dudes who never get invited to parties. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Demon Eye: Leave The Light

Listen, you and I both know that if a band writes a song called Witch’s Blood we’re gonna like it. Raleigh’s own Demon Eye are named after Deep Purple’s most sinister song, and that’s exactly what they sound like: Deep Purple with tentacles officiating a biker funeral at the rim of hell. Comes with a fistful of brimstone. Not really. But it should. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Chrome Division: Infernal Rock Eternal

If black metal was invented by Venom (and it was), then black metal is just rock’n’roll with an extra dollop of evil. And it is. Just ask Chrome Division, whose day jobs involve invoking Satan in Norwegian black metal bloodletters Dimmu Borgir and The Kovenent. Imagine if Angus Young really did have horns and a tail. This lot sure did. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Came from the sky like a 747. Classic Rock’s least-reputable byline-grabber since 2003. Several decades deep into the music industry. Got fired from an early incarnation of Anal C**t after one show. 30 years later, got fired from the New York Times after one week. Likes rock and hates everything else. Still believes in Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, against all better judgment.